Forgiveness vs Letting Go

I know recently that I have not been posting regularly. I started off posting on Thursdays, but I seemed to miss the day. I really like Sundays… but it seems so many Substack authors, in my genre, also publish on a Sunday. So, I’m worried that I will get lost, but maybe there is celebration in numbers. Anyhow, I am going to commit to Sunday. What I am also committing to is to add a coaching tool for my paid subscribers that supports every weeks free article. This week it is another guided imagery meditation to let go of things that no longer serve you. It’s short… but sweet. (more to come on the roll out of my guided imagery series - watch this space)

Thank, Priya

Forgiveness vs Letting Go

There are times when you have been truly hurt. Often the person who was demeaning or unsupportive was probably misinformed, malicious, or just plain wrong. They more than likely did not know or did not care what a profound impact their words would have on you as you grew into adulthood.

Although it’s sometimes useful to understand why they are displaying negative emotions and behaviors, it’s counterproductive to agonize over why people said what they did to you. If their behavior was clearly wrong, you might want to work on letting it go. This is not about them feeling better; it is about you getting some freedom.

We’re so often told that we need to forgive others for their actions so we can move on, but I don’t necessarily agree with that. I acknowledge that this goes against what many psychologists, therapists, coaches, and self-help gurus say. For many, forgiving someone is difficult or even impossible to do. People feel like they’re letting the perpetrator off the hook and, and in a way, condoning their bad behavior.

When I was getting divorced, I told a close family friend that I hoped one day I might meet someone else. Without thinking, she blurted out, “But who would want you? You’re handicapped! ( I live with MS)” At the time, those words really stung. I now understand this person better and know that she always felt huge pressure to be perfect, and having a seemingly disabling disease is far from fitting into that image of ‘normal’. Whilst initially it was very difficult for me to forgive her, in time, I was able to let go of the message, as I understood it had nothing to do with me and, in actuality, she didn’t mean it. She was ignorantly talking out of her own fear. By letting go of the statement, it allowed me to free myself of the hurt and self-doubt.

What I have seen to work for many is to recognize and acknowledge that the action was hurtful and upsetting, attempt to understand why the person said what they did, and what in their background may have contributed to their feelings of inadequacy or defensiveness, and then let it all go: sometimes with love and sometimes just to free yourself of the pain. Many times there is nothing that can be done to change the damaging situation that has already occurred, but there is a way to move past it!

**Forgiveness comes with time. **It’s possible that once you’ve lived with the freedom of letting those actions or words go, have taken personal responsibility for how you move past them, have lived according to your needs and values, and have created new, more joyful events and interactions, then forgiveness might just happen organically, without you forcing it. I really don’t think there’s any point in making yourself forgive someone or something in the hope that doing so will eradicate the hurt. Allow forgiveness to happen in the flow of living a unique and powerful life.

Eventually, with time and understanding, I was able to forgive our family friend for her thoughtless response.

(Excerpt adapted from Give Yourself Permission to Live Your Life by Priya Rana Kapoor)

Priya R. Kapoor is a life coach, author and speaker with over 20 years experience in the helping industry. She has a master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy and works as a coach and consultant with clients all over the world. In 2014, she created the coaching brand ‘Give Yourself Permission’ and, in the same year, published her first book ‘Give Yourself Permission to Live Your Life’ (Balboa Press). Please visit www.prkcoaching.com for more information on how to work with her.